#26- If You Can’t Forgive, Move On

January 1, 2012

 

The Myth: Telling your lover that you’ve forgiven him or her for whatever dreadful, ordinarily unforgivable thing they’ve done to you is the mature thing to do in a relationship. You want your relationship to work, and saying that you forgive your mate is the first step to making that happen.

Reality: It’s easy to say that you’ve forgiven someone. It’s much harder to actually do it.

If you find yourself constantly bringing up the dreaded sin whenever you get into an argument, or dwelling on it in silence while your partner thinks everything is cool, you probably still have some bitterness that you need to work out before your relationship can ever progress or get back on track. While it’s cozy to believe that just because you said that you’ve forgiven, you actually have, not truly being forgiving of your partner’s transgression will you both miserable in a relationship that will inevitably fail.

If you can’t really forgive– and that means, let go of the past– you need to move on and save both you and your partner the heartache of carrying around a load of baggage.

How to Apply the Thing You Just Learned:

Step #1- Honestly evaluate whether or not you are truly capable of getting over whatever your partner has done.

Step #2- If you find yourself constantly thinking about it or bringing it up every time you have an argument, chances are, you are still angry and haven’t truly forgiven yet.

Step #3- Move on if you need to. Save your peace of mind,and possibly, your next relationship.

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#25- Romantic Comedies Can Ruin Your Life

March 1, 2011

The Myth: Romantic comedies are delightful pieces of cinema that sometimes have notable similarities to our own lives.

Reality: Romantic comedies will ruin your life if you allow them to. While every woman claims that she knows such stories are fiction, there is always just enough reality sprinkled into the fun, zany, whirlwind romance to make you believe that such a thing could happen to you. It won’t.

You are not Sarah Jessica Parker. Nor are you Meg Ryan, Sanaa Lathan, Katherine Heigl, Reese Witherspoon, Kate Hudson or any other of these romantic comedy starlets. The sooner you stop trying to make your love life like a movie character’s, the fuller and richer your life will become.

If you have to judge the status of your love life by looking at others, how about looking at your grandparents who have been married forever, or the neighbors who just celebrated 35 years by going to Hawaii? Or even your parents. That’s what real commitment looks like–without the glitter, witty banter and totally unrealistic love scenes. Also, your man will never be like either of the dues from Twilight or Ryan Gosling in The Notebook or Darius Lovehall in Love Jones, so stop getting upset with him for not living up to the standards set by movie characters. It’s not fair to him and it makes you sound like a loony bin for saying things like, “why can’t you be more like that” while having movie date night.

How to Apply the Thing You Just Learned:

Step #1- Stop watching The Notebook over and over and over again. While it’s a great, entertaining movie, the chances of you dying with your true love at the same exact time just because both of you willed it is about as likely as a guy building a dream house from scratch for you after seeing you happily living your life with another man.

Step #2- Realize the utter lunacy behind the supposed “love” stories. A Hollywood hooker with a heart of gold who gets a marriage proposal from a young, handsome zillionaire after charging him fora week of no kissing sex? Yeah. Not happening.

Step #3- Take romantic comedies for what they are– movies. Not the standard by which to examine your own love life.

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#24- Keep People Out of Your Love Life

December 7, 2010

 

The Myth: It’s ok to share the details of your love life with your family and friends. They can give you good advice and everyone needs somebody to vent to.

Reality: If you want to maintain a happy, healthy relationship, keep people out of your business. What may be an innocent conversation about a recent squabble you and your lover got into can be turned into a dramatic episode in the blink of an eye by a friend or an intrusive auntie.

While you will have moved on from whatever fight you were just in with your man/woman, friends and family tend to hold on to the negative details of your argument for far longer than you ever will. Unless you are in an abusive situation, be wise about what information you share about your relationship. It’s one thing to seek another objective perspective about a situation. Gossiping about your significant other to friends and family is another thing,  and can lead to increased problems in the future, especially once trust is breached.

Also, consider whose advice you are taking before you go home and yell at your man/woman. Only you and your partner truly know the intimate, intricate details of your relationship, and usually, whatever issues you are having are best left solved by the two people who are actually involved—you and your mate.

How to Apply the Thing You Just Learned:

Step #1- Don’t tell your friends about every single fight that you have with your significant other, or every time he/she does something you think is moronic. You’re more likely to talk about the things that bug you than you are about the little good things that he/she does. Such behavior can create a warped image of your love before you even realize what you’ve done.

Step #2- Don’t gossip about your significant other to your friends. There is some information that you only you and your partner should be privy to.

Step #3- While it’s true that everyone needs advice sometimes, don’t make a habit of running to your friends or family every single time you’re having some love-related dilemma. As difficult as it may sometimes be, communicating directly with your partner is always the best avenue to take.

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Posted in Relationships | 5 Comments »

#23- 98.6% of Your Male Friends Would Sleep With You

December 6, 2010

The Myth: Every guy that you’re good friends with doesn’t secretly want to sleep with you, and to believe that they do is kind of conceited.

Reality: Pretty much all your really good male friends would  sleep with you given the right circumstances. Yes, even if your guy friend is giving you advice about your current relationship. Yes, even if you’ve been cool with your guy friend for years, without anything happening. Yes, even if your guy friend has never said or done anything to make you believe that he even looks at you sexually. Even your male friends who have significant others have at least thought about sleeping with you.

While it is entirely possible to be platonic with a guy for the duration of your friendship, your male friend is almost always sexually attracted to you on some level. Although the level of attraction varies and the circumstances may not permit, or be ideal for your male friend to pursue sleeping with you, the truth is that most men rarely befriend a woman that they are not attracted to. It just doesn’t happen that way.

There is usually some circumstance, some situation, or some alcoholic beverage that could move things out of the platonic friend zone. Whether you like it or not, your male friend has not only already imagined this hypothetical situation but has probably had a full-on fantasy of sleeping with you at some point. Now, whether or not he would actually act on it is something else entirely, or in many cases, up to you.

How to Apply the Thing You Just Learned:

Step #1- Don’t tease your male friend by treating him like a woman and doing silly things like asking him if “this pair of jeans makes my butt look big” or asking him to simply turn around while you are changing.

Step #2- Stop being naïve. Men don’t go out of their way to make friends with women they are not remotely attracted to on some level. It’s like, an unspoken man law. Even if random circumstances instigated your friendship, the fact that you have remained friends usually indicates there is a smidgen of sexual attraction hidden somewhere.

Step #3- Don’t think that just because your really good male friends have probably thought about sleeping with you, they will actually try to. If you truly are good friends, he probably values that aspect of your relationship as well, and won’t press the boundaries unless he’s certain it’s appropriate, or that you too are interested.

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Posted in Life, Relationships | 1 Comment »

#22- Never Let a Friend Stay With You Without Setting a Deadline

December 3, 2010

The Myth: Your friend will only be staying with you for a couple of months while he/she gets on his/her feet. You are a nice person, and there’s no harm in helping out a buddy during a trying time.

Reality: While most people want to help out their friends in their time of need, giving a friend your house key will result in one of two things: a life-long bond or more frequently, the end of your friendship as you currently know it.

Sure, your buddy may be cool while you’re hanging out, but spending a few hours with someone is much different from living with someone. All of a person’s quirks, bad habits and annoying tendencies will have shown up within the first month of living together, and chances are, you don’t know your friend as well as you thought you did. Your friend could turn out to be allergic to the shower, have unrealistic expectations for your dishwasher, or enjoy eating all of your coveted Teddy Grahams. You just never know until you actually live with someone.

Also, a month or two frequently spirals into six, seven, eight or even a year. If you are interested in preserving your friendship, set a deadline before you let your friend move in. This way, you are both clear about your expectations for when he/she will be moving. It may seem awkward at first, but it will save you time, trouble, money and possibly a friend in the future. This same concept applies to extended family members.

How to Apply the Thing You Just Learned:

Step #1- Before letting your friend move in consider how well you really get along. Do you spend a lot of time arguing and then making up? If so, you may not want to let this person move in with you.

Step #2- Does your friend hop from house to house on a regular basis? This person is probably unreliable, and you may not want to get mixed up in their confusion.

Step #3- If you decide to let a friend stay with you, make sure that you’re not spending every waking second together. It’s easy to do since you’re already friends and probably hang out a lot anyway. But everyone needs a break sometimes, and if you’re living together it’s important give each other space in an effort to preserve your sanity.

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Posted in Life, Relationships | 1 Comment »

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